Hacks To Help You Take A More Peaceful Dump At Work
As you sit in the bathroom in complete in silence scrolling through your phone, you hear what sounds like an elephant burrowing through the door.
The door slams opening, and it sounds like a parade of elephants stampeding through the office bathroom.
However, it can only mean one thing:
It’s Frank! The SVP of Operations.
As the stall door next to you bangs open and just as quickly closes, Frank hurriedly sits down and lets go the most disgusting rips that you have ever heard in your life.
Seconds later the horrible smell fills the entire bathroom and almost knocks you dead in your tracks.
You think to yourself – please, just make it stop.
But you got a decision to make:
Should you cut your losses and just get out of the bathroom, or fight back fire-with-fire and try to hold your own?
There is no doubt about it, taking a dump at work is less than ideal. When you have office mates like Frank completely stinking up the entire bathroom, it can make things about 100 times worse on so many levels.
For gods sake, you have to see eye to eye with Frank at your 9:30 meeting that starts in just a couple of minutes and act like none of this happened.
So, to help out our fellow men, we here at Tools of Men wanted to put together a little list of some hacks that will help to make taking a dump at work just a little bit more peaceful.
Location, Location, Location
When it comes to crapping, choosing location is everything.
Depending on the size and location of your company, you might be able to find alternative bathrooms around the office or on different floors. Even if a bathroom on a different floor still has the foot traffic, you will at least prevent the very awkward post-crap conversations while washing your hands with your co-workers.
In addition, if the bathroom at your work has multiple stalls, always go for one on the end. This way you can never have more than one neighbor next to you.
If You Can, Hold Off Till Rush Hour Is Over
Most people will have their coffee from the office once they get to work. When you start sipping on that glorious morning cup of joe, things start happening in your colon (for 30-40% of people), and you will have the urge to go drop a deuce (source).
This laxative effect can kick in around the 1 hour mark after consumption.
So how can you take advantage of this?
Next time you are at work, take note of the time everyone gets in and gets their coffee. If it’s at 9:10, then its likely safe to use the bathroom between 10:30 and 12:30 (before the lunch hour crowd comes burrowing in). You should be free of the Franks of the world from disturbing your concentration while you take the Browns to the Super Bowl.
Kerplunk! Yep Everyone Heard That
When dropping deuce, the uncomfortable sound of your turd belly flopping onto the water below can be a bit embarrassing for some men. To make matters worse, having the water splash right up to your poop shoot can be equally uncomfortable.
A nearly fool-proof method to preventing both splash back and uncomfortable sounds is to simply lay some toilet paper onto the water before you take a seat. The toilet paper should help to ‘catch’ your prize making for a much more pleasant experience.
Best Activities To Keep You Entertained While Laying Cable
For some men the best way to take a dump at work will be through distraction. With the advent of the smartphone, kids of today will never understand the pain and solitude of dumping with nothing but your thoughts.
But alas, we aren’t in the 1990s any more, so here are a few apps that might be worth downloading before you hit the stall:
Whether you feel like scrolling through a few IAmAs or perhaps want to learn something new via AskReddit, visit the ‘front page of the internet’ and see what is going on in the world. Whether its breaking current events or some ridiculous meme that is currently trending, Reddit is a great way to pass time – if not hours while sitting on the toilet.
Whether you use iOS or Android (or even Windows), you can find popular poop timers that show just how much money you are saving while using the bathroom at work. Not only can you see the savings add up quickly, but app makers have also made it pretty fun by allowing you to unlock achievements while on the throne. Just be sure that you don’t share the time wasted with your boss or CFO!
What better way to re-order your favorite beard oil or other grooming gear while on the comode. Set up or adjust your ‘Subscribe & Save’ items so you can be sure that you get the essentials on your front doorstep once you get home from work.
Looking for some nostalgia gameplay? Check out this latest release from Nintendo that has quickly become one of the most popular apps available for iOS devices. With its short turn-based gameplay, this app is a sure fire hit for those men looking for quick bursts of entertainment while sitting on the toilet.
Essential Products To Bring With You To The Stall
Finally, if you loathe taking a dump at work due to the incredibly poor 1-ply (if you can call it that) toilet paper that just shreds upon contact, there are some real alternatives out there for you.
Wipes On The Go
While we all wish there were toilet wipes in every stall, unfortunately this will likely never be the case in our lifetime. However, you don’t have to put up with the poor toilet paper for much longer.
What we recommend for men who want a fresh and clean feeling is Dude Wipes Singles. These travel pack sized flushable wipes will ensure that you can get fully cleaned every time you hit the toilet. Infused with aloe vera, Dude Wipes design will far outweigh the toilet paper you are currently using. Oh, and these wipes are safe to be flushed down the toilet.
- AS SEEN ON SHARK TANK - We hated always using toilet paper, the stuff stinks. We believed life should be better & that something had to be done. That's when DUDE Wipes were created out of our apartment and the DUDE movement was born.
- GREAT FOR TRAVEL - Airport security friendly, TSA carry on approved - you need these
- UNSCENTED WITH SOOTHING ALOE & VITAMIN E - To protect your sensitive sides
- DUDE SIZED - Huge 44 square inch size, 25% larger than the average flushable wipes
- FLUSHABLE & HYPOALLERGENIC - Certified to breaks down and disperse, sewer and septic approved. Tested by Scientist & Doctor DUDES
Summer Months? Apply A Chaffing Cream
Since you’re in the stall, applying an anti-chaffing cream, especially if you do a lot of work outdoors, will ensure that your balls will be both fresh and sweat-free for the duration of the day. This will help to completely rid you of that horrible swamp ass (or swamp crotch) feeling.
- Hypoallergenic and clinically tested
- Talc-free, paraben-free, aluminum-free
- Applies as a soothing cream and dries as a cooling, silky non-talc powder
- Anti-chafing and prevents wetness
- Made in the USA
The Final Wipe
Taking a dump at work doesn’t have to be a horrible experience.
While its less than ideal, if you employ some of the methods such as finding an alternative location or packing your own travel pack of wipes, it should make it the whole experience less dreadful.
If all else fails, download one of the above apps to keep your mind distracted from your co-worker wrestling with last nights mexican dinner in the stall next to you.